It's getting harder and harder to live here, knowing im far from my family, I have nothing of my own.
I love being here, I love James, its not that, it's just so hard. I don't even have a comfort zone with him yet, let alone with being here. idk whats wrong with me, but I miss my family and every little thing it seems like sometimes. I mean, comfort zone as far as our relationship, I still need to be with him to know we'll be okay, and it wasn't like that before, but I understand that I made it how it is.
I just love him so much, it'd kill to lose him.
And to top it off, im ********. I "stared" it out for my own reasons.
And then Frank is dying, I love our little fishy.
today is such a fucking downer.
and my brother needs me and our company and I can't even be there for him.
fuuck, idk today sucks so much I swear, I feel like slowly and slowly im going into depression. I don't want to, i'am happy, I just think things might be better if I had a job, or my own car, or went to school.
I feel like such a loser in my own eyes.
I used to do good in life and I had such control of it and now it just seems like im lost.
idk maybe its all my hormones making me think or feel this way, Im not at all doubting my love or want for this relationship or James, that seems to be the only thing im sure about in life right now, is that I love him with all of my heart and I just want to be with him.
im just so dissapointed with myself and where im leading my life. I need to do something, I feel so blah.
I love you James, I wish you knew.
how much I admire you, how much I need you, how much I truley love you.
You are amazing to me, and I wouldn't change you for the world.
I need a vacation.
Even though it seems as my life right now is one big vacation, hah! I need to get away, go to the beach or something, fuck idk. I just need to be out of worry and out of the valley.
So I think i've made a decision that in May me and James WILL go to watsonville.
I need it.
SO bad.
"I can live without you but, without you i'd be miserable at best."
